Recently my husband and I had opportunity to reevaluate our lives and come
up with a list of 10 goals we wanted to work on in our home. These goals
included my committing to make up a monthly menu each month so we could
do the majority of our shopping one day a month and save money by buying
to the menu instead of “stocking a pantry”, and use the money freed up by this
approach to then stock the pantry. My husband stated in writing his
commitment to going back to college in the Fall so that he can earn a degree
and get a job in a field he will be able to commit to for a career. Among these
10 goals was the one I consider the most important . . . “We resolve that
kindness to our children is more important than their obedience.”
This resolution has revolutionized our home.
See, we’d gotten into the trap of thinking, “I’ve taught you this, you need to
do it!” And we were allowing our frustration in other areas to prompt us to
demand obedience from our children because we wanted parenting to be
easier. We were thinking (not consciously, but as we explored this line of
thought we found the root), “I’ve spent so much time investing in you, things
are tough now and you owe me.”
And in “demanding” obedience we were demanding more from our children
than we were doing ourselves.
We are God’s children and God has set a standard for us. As believers we
are called to exhibit the fruit of the Spirit and to show Love (that is patient,
kind, doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, rejoices in truth but not in evil, etc.).
God doesn’t look at us and ask if we’ve made someone else obedient today,
He asks if we have been obedient ourselves. And we are called to the
standard of kindness to others.
And in demanding our children be obedient, we weren’t being kind. We were
demanding they be patient NOW. We were yelling at them to give us peace.
We were losing our tempers and demanding their self-control. Does anyone
else see the twisted logic here? Or does anyone wonder why we were failing
even at motivating them to be obedient? Not only were we not being kind,
but in not being kind we were guilty of provoking our children to anger (and
insecurity).
This resolution came quickly for us. We’d only slipped into this pattern over
about a month and once we realized what we were doing we committed to
stopping. I’m so grateful that God has taught me enough about parenting to
realize when I’m falling down on the job. And no matter how tough the rest of
life is, parenting has to take top priority. It’s our primary ministry and as we
seek God first, and trust that all these things shall be added unto us, we have
to come into obedience to God’s Word.
Demanding obedience reveals something about our hearts that isn’t pretty.
The word itself, “demand”, carries with it the reality of a lack of patience and
self-control. It is impatient and “other controlling”. Yes, children are instructed
to obey, but it’s an instruction between them and God. When I get myself in
there I am violating the very next stated instruction by Paul and provoking my
children to anger. It’s more difficult to stay out of the instruction for children
to obey, but it’s also healthier and more boundaried.
And there is one thing we can do that will move our children closer to fulfilling
the commandment to obey us while fulfilling the requirement of us to not
provoke them to anger—that is to realize that WE are also children and the
commandment to obey applies to US as well. We are obligated to honor our
earthly father and mother, but more importantly our Heavenly Father.
When I say that “kindness is more important than my child’s obedience” that
is because when I show “kindness” I am being obedient! In the very act of
showing my child kindness I am modeling for them obedience!!!!! What an
amazing concept! I can teach my child obedience simply by being obedient
myself. We must remember that children are watching and they hear our
actions louder than our words. If we demand obedience and are not obedient
ourselves then our demands will fall on deaf ears (and ears that are provoked
to anger).
So we started exercising self-control. We began showing our children
kindness. We made a point to be more patient with them and to take each
encounter with a fresh attitude (instead of keeping a record of wrongs). We
were gentle. We looked for ways to bring joy into our encounters. We sought
peace first in our own hearts and then in our communications with them. We
began to DO good instead of requiring it.
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