Grace-Based Discipline Toolbox

That’s such a tricky one–because the current method of thinking would be if the child knows in advance what is expected then breaking the rule is a choice and it’s not punitive to impose a consequence. But the simple wording of ‘impose’ shows that this really is punitive. Punishments are things added on to a situation to drive home the lesson inherent in the situation. They serve as a distraction from the real lesson unless they fit Jane Nelson’s definition of Solutions in that they be relevant, related, respectful and helpful in preventing the situation in the future. Solutions are not intended to cause you to feel bad or suffer in anyway, though they aren’t necessarily pleasant or fun. Positive doesn’t mean fun all the time or happy, it means non-punitive.

This is an article where I talk more about consequences–the difference between natural and logical.

Basically I believe that a parent’s responsibility is to determine, to the best of their ability, the natural consequence of an action and then prevent it until the child is ready to survive and learn from it. Logical consequences, or Solutions, are for older children who are developing adult logic and reason (so from age 8 on when there is pre-logic being developed). Consequences need to be approached as a teaching aid, not a behavior prevention and not something to cause children to feel bad for what they did.

Guilt is a great motivator for change, but imposed guilt is shame and shame tends to paralyze and block learning. If posting the rules is for the purpose of being able to use a consequence and feel justified then I would encourage a parent to not post the rules! But if posting the rules is seen as a tool for helping everyone remember them, and seeing them will help the child remember, then narrow down and post away!

 How do you deal with a toddler or preschooler who wants you to play with them all the time?

I don’t play with my children, though I am very playful with them. I will tickle and chase and wrestle (though my husband does most of the wrestling)and we will play board or card games, but I have taught my children that it is their job to play and mommy’s job to do mommy things. This is one thing that I do believe our culture has developed that makes parents unnecessarily child centered. It is especially a problem in homes where the parent is not able to get anything done because they child is always wanting them to play.

I do not agree with everything in “The Continuum Concept” but some of the ideas really struck a cord with me from what I’ve studied and experienced about parenting. One of the ideas I do embrace is the idea that children need to look to those older than them to model for them what is to come at those stages. I believe it can be confusing (for some children more than others) if a parent is playing (something they know to be their job) rather than being a parent. And this models for a child that their job as a parent will be to play and entertain their children.

I think our culture has created this idea that people need to be entertained and that is not the healthiest idea for us. People need to learn how to be and play and do things alone as much as they do with other people. We’ve overemphasized socialization to the point that alone time = lonely.

Also, because parents are the authority in a child’s life their presence in their play changes the play from its intended purpose. Children play for many reasons, one of which is to learn about their world. They test their nurturing skills by playing house and their bravery by being police officers. When a parent is involved in the play one of two things typically happens: The parent takes over the play and the child takes their lead so that the child is not exploring their own ideas OR the child wants to control everything and make the parent take their lead which can cause confusion on boundaries in other areas of life.

I engage in parallel play with my children–I’m on the computer while they build a tower beside me; I fold towels while they play cars on the floor. I interact with them and comment with descriptive praise but I don’t play *with* them. Often I don’t even offer descriptive praise because I don’t want my children playing in a way that is an effort to please me.

Some children need to be taught how to play alone, especially if parents have spent a lot of time playing with and entertaining them. When this is the case I encourage parents to go ahead and start playing with the child, attempting to let the child take the lead but without being bossy, and then slip out once the play is initiated. The parent may say something like, “Mommy is going to go do X. You are playing so hard–keep playing. I’ll check on you in a minute.” And then leave the child to explore their own ideas.

With opportunity and maturity all children can learn to play alone and enjoy their own company while exploring their own ideas. Even in a family with 5 children they don’t always want to play together. If even one child can’t play alone there is going to be conflict as they go from person to person interrupting their personal time. Teaching children how to play alone is a valuable skill. Then, once they have this skill, you can engage in playful ideas with them that you enjoy when you are both wanting to, rather than feeling obligated to entertain your child.

We took the kids out to a restaurant the other night. My 4-year-old daughter acted worse than my two-year-old! We kept telling her to behave, but it just got worse. Where did I go wrong?

Four is a much harder age than two, in my opinion.

Did you talk to them before going in and review the restaurant rules? Was it later than you usually eat? Fancier than they are used to and trained for?

Was it a sudden thing that forced them to transition without proper adjustment time? Even if you knew in advance, did you prepare them? My kids get crazy when they’re very excited.

I would have had my children up and moving outside until the food was actually at the table, and again while waiting for the check (or have them bring the check with the food for faster service time).

But, I am guessing the real issue, if you’re anything like me, was one of expectation. I get ideas in my head of how special occasions will be, and they are very Hollywood and not at all realistic. I’m almost always disappointed. See, the kids don’t follow my script and my husband usually says something less than romantic, and I never behave up to my expectations. So I’ve been working on this.

Often before my husband and I go into some place where we really want to have a good time, we will look at each other and one of us will say, “No expectations. Whatever happens, happens. Relax. Just enjoy and have fun.” This always results in us having a much better time. If we start getting miserable, we realize we haven’t done this and we stop and fix it all with this exchange.

When will he EVER stop hurting me? When, when, when? I am so sick of constantly being hurt by this child! I have been telling him for years that “you may be angry, but you may not hurt me,” and it still happens every day – many times a day! I do not just “let” him do it, but he moves fast and I can’t always intercept in time.

Is it okay to make going home a choice he makes if he hurts me? Maybe I should explain that he loves to go places and every time he knows we’re going home he cries and complains about it.

For one child it was as they were turning four. Another child, younger, was aggressive a bit beyond that.  Keep setting the boundaries, don’t let him hurt you, don’t give the impression that it’s okay, give him appropriate outlets for his aggression (texture play, baths, manipulative toys, and something he can punch/bite/pinch). A big determining factor in how long it continues is how verbal the child is and how well they can communicate about their feelings.

One thing I would encourage is to make sure you are being very firm about letting him know that hurting you is not okay. I would take his hand in mine, firmly, and look him in the eye and say, “Stop hurting me. It is not acceptable to hurt me.” I would keep looking at him until I could tell that he got it. Then I would give him big hugs and talk about how much I love him, and I would be a bad mommy if I let him hurt me – that I won’t hurt him and he won’t hurt me.

As for making going home a consequence – yes, it’s appropriate. It’s what I do when I can go home and return later for the items (or don’t really need them in the first place).  It will definitely make it where you don’t get things done so make sure you’re willing and able to walk away. I’ve walked through stores with a melting-down child who I’m verbally comforting or holding while they flail about because I need to shop. I get looks, but if I can stay emotionally detached, I usually have a distracted and calm child (or a sleeping one) by the time we’re checking out. Not always, but usually. Be aware of your own triggers because many people have shared that their worst parenting moments come when they are embarrassed.

What do I do about those intense emotional storms?

I understand–I have two very emotionally-intense children.

Some children have no emotional levels; depending on the situation, their intensity goes immediately from a one to a 10. It’s important to identify the real needs and feelings, and meet the needs and validate the feelings – but the need of a child who is over the top may be someone to tell them to knock it off. When a child is completely over the top emotionally, they are trying to make everyone else in the room be responsible for their feelings, and they can be quite effective at holding an entire household hostage.

I have had to work with my oldest to identify what level something really is. When he explodes his emotions everywhere, I might respond, “Honey, bring this down to a three where it belongs. You may be upset, but you may not howl and scream like that.” We started this by playing some games where I gave him a scenario and asked him how intense he thought a reaction should be. I then acted out his idea, and we talked about where I thought it was. Sometimes when he overreacts, I will respond to him at the same level to show him how inappropriate it is (not in a mocking way, but just at that level; usually he laughs, but if he gets upset I apologize and suggest he calm down a bit).

I also do not hesitate to set my boundaries (and boundaries for whoever else may be present) as it relates to their expression of emotions – not having the emotions, but the expression of them. Just like I tell my children, “You may be angry. You may not hit,” I say, “You may be sad. You may not howl in my ear if you want me to comfort you.” And if the expression is just going way beyond reason in time or intensity, then I suggest to my children that they may have their big feelings but they need to settle down or go finish expressing themselves in their room.

QUESTION:

How do I deal with the sassiness from my daughter? It’s driving me crazy!

My first question is, how do you talk to her when you want her to do something, or don’t like what she’s doing/saying? I have found that the nasty things I don’t like about my children are often a reflection of what I am modeling for them.

Your daughter’s sassiness is an immature solution to a real problem. Find the real problem and teach her a mature solution, and you will have really helped her. It’s possible to intimidate and force the sassiness to stop, but if you teach nothing to replace it and don’t try to hear the real message, then you’ve done her a disservice.

Also, a certain amount of sassiness is normal at this age. What do you consider sassy? Is it the tone? The words? Does she do what you’re asking but with grumbling? Different people have different definitions. If she’s doing what she’s told, then I’d ignore the verbal response or offer a more pleasant script. When my 4-year-old would grumble, I would say, “Say, ‘Okay, Momma’,” and he would. We offer these scripts to our younger children and we need to keep it going until they are responding appropriately.

If my child isn’t doing what he’s told, them I help him do it. That means I move him as necessary. Just this morning, I told Liam he needed to clean his room and when he told me it was too much, I went in every few minutes and told him, “Now get all the Lego’s,” “Now get all the army guys,” etc. If it’s the tone, I ask him to try again in a pleasant tone.

It’s always important to ask what you’re teaching when you respond to a situation. Responding with negativity reinforces their negative response. Responding with a lesson in what to do, with kind and firm boundaries, will go much farther towards improving the situation.

Q

What do I do about biting?

For biting, there is no cure like supervision. When you see your child about to bite, you can prevent it with a gentle placement of the forefinger sideways under the chin with just enough gentle pressure (practice on yourself) to keep them from opening their mouth to bite. Sling these babies. Redirect and distract. And look for the emotional volcano building up that erupts with the biting.

Provide oral stimulation: lemonade and other sour, bitter, or super sweet things; gum chewing if they are mature enough; sucking on ice; using straws; spicy foods; sucking lemons; etc.

Supervise, supervise, supervise! Provide an emotional vocabulary and words to express themselves – baby signs if necessary. And teach them to call you for help, making sure you are quick to offer it. Often biting is a pre-verbal or early verbal toddlers’ frustrated way to let it be known they are not pleased. We need to make sure that we are their advocates when they call for us and that, as they learn words, some of the first they learn are how to set boundaries for themselves.

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Now that my baby is crawling, my toddler keeps hitting him. What do I do?

Supervision at this stage is important, as is making sure your older daughter has a baby-free zone. Usually the conflict at this age is more about baby getting into her space, or the fear that baby might touch her things.

Much of this is age appropriate, so you teach what is right and, as your children grow from this stage into the next, you are shaping them. Reflect feelings: “You are frustrated that he is touching your stuff.” Teach: “You can say, ‘Momma! Get the baby!’ and you can also give him this other toy to play with.”

This is one of those stages that your daughter will grow out of, and it’s important to focus on respecting her during this time, and working to teach her what you want her to do.